Hot Mess_Bridget Jones for a new generation by Lucy Vine

Author:Lucy Vine [Vine, Lucy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781409172215
Publisher: Orion
Published: 2017-05-22T23:00:00+00:00

It’s approaching lunchtime and I’m openly applying make-up at my desk. I’ve booked in a one o’clock Tinder date because I’m trying to be efficient about all this and I figured that an easily escapable hour here and there seems like the answer. Especially since weekend dating appears to require me to shower and get out of bed, which is increasingly out of the question. I’ve been making a real effort to go on dates in the last couple of weeks, partly to get the taste of Nathan out of my mouth, and partly to appease Sophie and Jen, who told me I could stop when I got to thirty-five dates. I’m up to fourteen already and I think they’ve actually been impressed with my dedication. And also extremely disappointed in me because they’ve all come to nothing.

The trouble is, there seems to be only five types of men on dating apps, and I don’t like any of them. There’s:

1. The ‘Nice Guy’.

This is the simmering-with-fury misogynist, who will tell you over and over how ‘nice’ he is, even as he calls women ‘bitches’ for not being interested in him. He wants you to know how many times this week he has opened a door for a lady who didn’t even thank him, or paid for some ungrateful bitch’s lunch, only for her to ignore him. He doesn’t understand why being ‘nice’ doesn’t entitle him to your vagina. He is the one who texts you after your coffee date when you’ve explained you’re not interested, to ask you to give him back the £2.55 he paid for your latte.

2. The Shagger.

The guy who seems perfect and into you. You have a great time, share everything, talk about the next date; he wants to take you for drinks in the Shard – Have you ever been? The view is almost as gorgeous as you are – and you laugh together about the cheesy line. You go home thinking, actually, maybe a relationship wouldn’t be so bad. And then he will totally fucking ghost you, and all your friends will try to convince you he’s lost his phone/is in the hospital/is just scared by the intensity of his feelings. He’s none of these things, he’s just a prick who likes the validation of your attention, and/or your vagina.

3. The Bomber-Wearing Model with a Manbun.

It’s not a model, it’s a fifty-five-year-old guy living in his mum’s basement masturbating over your enthusiasm to meet up. Sadly, he’s always too busy with his, like, Save The Children volunteering and sexy mountaineering hobby to ever actually go on a date. He wants to keep texting you FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER though and if you could send a sexy selfie he’d be really grateful.

4. The Oversharer.

Dude just wants free therapy. He wants to tell you about his failed relationships, his failed career, his failed life. How he’s been thinking about re-training as a life coach and what do you think about that? He’s going to tell

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